5 Tips For Parents Dating After A Divorce

No matter what happened during your divorce or when, chances are there will come a time when you want to start dating again. However, it’s important for parents to remember that the dating choices they make greatly affect not only themselves but their children. Making healthy, careful dating choices will help greatly contribute to the healing process for your entire family. Here are the five tips experts wish divorced parents knew about dating:


1. Give Yourself And Your Children Plenty Of Time To Heal And Adapt Before You Start Dating: No matter how friendly and cordial your divorce, you and your children will need time to adjust and heal before you allow another person into your lives. It’s important that you take the time to process, analyze and heal any issues that contributed to or were the result of your divorce. Not doing so sets the new relationship up for failure for all involved. Statistically, second marriages are less successful than first ones (over 60 percent of second marriages fail) so take all of the time you need to process why the first marriage failed. Most experts recommend waiting a year after martial separation to date, but this is an individual choice. If the thought of dating doesn’t yet feel right, wait.

2. When You Begin Dating, Be Upfront And Reassuring With Your Children: Fill your children in on your intentions, but keep it casual. Inform them that you’d like to start making friends and spending time with adults your own age. Acknowledge and address any feelings your children may express and reassure them that you will always keep all of your best interests in mind and would never let dating interfere with your time together.

3. Make Initial Introductions And Outings Casual: Never try to force a new person on your children for long periods of time. Make sure initial introductions are fun, casual outings where the children can have an out if they’re uncomfortable. Let your children get to know this new person slowly over time at their own pace. You're going to have a much healthier relationship if your children genuinely get a long with the new person, so do everything in your power to let the children initiate and pace their own relationship. It’s also vitally important you do not allow your children to develop deep feelings for someone until you’re absolutely sure that person is here to stay. Your children have already been through a lot of emotional drama with the divorce. You do not want the child to have to go through this again with another breakup.

4. Maintain Family Time And Traditions Separate From Your Dating Relationship: No matter how great the person you are dating is, your children deserve time with only you doing things you enjoyed and could look forward to before the dating relationship. If you don’t honor your children’s special time and traditions, they will eventually resent the person you are dating for taking this (and you) away.

5. Always See The Situation From Your Children’s Point Of View: There are bound to be times when you’re unsure how of how to best proceed for all involved. In situations when you aren’t sure what to do, simply put yourself in your children’s position. Really put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they must feel, even if their feelings seem irrational to you at the time. Looking at things from your children’s perspective will almost always point you in the right direction - on the path to their best interest.

5 Rules Divorcing / Divorced Parents Must Know

If you're a parent in thinking about, in the middle of, or looking back on a divorce, there are several important rules experts wish you knew (and I wish my own parents knew) for the sake of your children, even if you think they're handling the divorce just fine:

Never Force Your Children To Split Their Loyalties And Love: Never criticize or speak ill of your ex spouse in front of your children. Doing so may cause your children to wonder if it's possible to love both of you. Children should feel free to love both of their parents without feeling disloyal or guilty. Don't force your children to divide love and loyalties amongst their parents.

Encourage Your Kids To Express Their Concerns When They're Relaxed And Listen When They Do: It's vitally important that your children are able to release any emotions or concerns they're feeling about the divorce but they're often reluctant to do so for fear of worsening the situation. Don't just give an open-ended directive encouraging your children to come to you if and when they have questions. Initiate discussion during the times you would normally talk like when making dinner or running errands. Don't let the moment slip by because you're afraid of saying the wrong things. Your honesty, openness, sincerity and concern for your children is more important them than the actual words that you use. Your job is to reassure your children that their feelings, whatever they may be, are appropriate and that you as a family are going to work through them together.

Make Sure Your Children Receive A Message Of Unity, Reassurance And Support Before You Mention The Word Divorce: Both parents should present a united front when you tell your children about the divorce. The children are likely to feel immediate alarm and shock, blocking out what you are saying after only a few minutes. In the moments before you even mention the word divorce, you should reassure your children that what you're about to tell them is in no way their fault and that they will in no way lose love, support, or quality time with either parent.

Make Sure Your Children Know The Divorce Is Not Their Fault: Children often blame themselves for a divorce and secretly believe that they can fix things if they try hard enough. It's important your children understand this is not the case so that they won't blame themselves and feel that they failed when the divorce moves forward. If the children ask for the reason for your divorce, offer only generalities like "we both made bad choices that we now can't take back."

Follow Through On Your Promises: No matter how much reassurance you offer your children, they will always initially secretly fear that their lives are going to be very negatively effected by your divorce. The only way to show them this isn't true is to prove it to them over time. Even if your divorce is difficult, do exactly what you assured your children you were going to: continue to love them, continue to offer them quality time with and access to both parents. Continue day to day rituals and schedules with a positive attitude.

Whether your children openly discuss their feelings and concerns, divorce can be very difficult for children. To make the process a healthier one for the children you love, always put your children and their well-being before your divorce and its difficulties. Remembering that your children are still entitled to two supportive, involved parents will go a long way toward helping your child to cope with and heal from a divorce.